Saw Starting Instructions by Bill Torrey

We got this note today from Bill:

A good friend is having trouble starting his saw. I sent him some instructions on how to proceed. I thought you might want to write this down for future reference. They are as follows:

I’ll tell you how to start it, but don’t let this get around. First, you must appease the chainsaw gods. Take the top left tooth from a young female beaver killed under the light of a full moon, and needles from a hemlock browsed by at least an 8-point buck. In an old work boot, use them to brew a tea made from stump water from a red oak that grew on a north facing slope. A white oak can be substituted, but it should be of at least 24” in girth. While standing over the offending saw, take a played-out 7/32 saw file, stir in 5 drops of 10 wt. bar and chain oil while chanting three times, “Start you motherf*****!” Leave the file in the boot while holding one end against your temple and slug down the contents as quickly as possible through clenched teeth so as to strain out the beaver tooth and hemlock needles. You’ll need these later. Contact me when you’ve got this part done, and I’ll tell you how to proceed to the more involved second phase.  – Raker Bill